‘Why are you so upset, it was just a pet?’. Thankfully a statement we hear less and less, but one that still rears its ugly head on occasion.
Grief is a natural reaction to loss, which manifests itself in emotional pain or sadness. It can occur when you lose someone or something that you care about. The grieving process affects everyone differently. Grief is a personal experience that can be complex and unpredictable.
You may experience different stages of grief that are not always linear. These are denial, anger, depression, bargaining, and acceptance. It is recognized that the death of a pet can be painful and cause a range of emotional responses, such as anxiety, stress, shame, ambiguous grief, complicated grief, and even traits of psychopathology and trauma.
Furthermore, experiencing the ‘ghosts’ of the departed is a common, cross-cultural experience of grief; such interactions are part of so-called ‘externalized continuing bonds’ and represent an ongoing relationship with the departed.
Most dog guardians (85%) consider their dogs to be members of the family or a best friend. In another, nearly two thirds of respondents in one study described their animal as a “baby,” “child,” “best friend,” “companion,” or someone to be “loved” rather than just a “protector” or a “pet”.
Some people feel unsupported, or even embarrassed in their pet's loss, unable to verbalise how much it is impacting them. Yet, given the extent of the bond most people share with their pets, which can often be more complex that their relationship with many humans, it is imperative we do not underestimate the impact of a pet loss on people, and allow them to grieve as we would if they had lost a human friend or family member. Because society does not often validate grief over the loss of a pet, this can lead to disenfranchised grief: grief that is not acknowledged as valid by social norms.
The human-animal bond shows that many feel that pets are the same as members of their human family, and in some cases where there has been a caregiving component, a companionship in an isolated individual or in many other circumstances, the loss of a pet can be more impactful on someone's life as a loss of a human friend or family member.
Furthermore, it can be uncommon that members of the public have to make a decision to euthanize a pet. It is an experience that may only occur a handful of times in their life and can be a decision that brings immense pain and other emotions such as guilt – even if it is the right decision to peacefully relieve pain and suffering.
Carrie Kearns, ACC Dip PBC, Cert Pet Bereavement BC, Adv Dip BCT, MHS. Accredited member APBCounsellors stated:
‘Losing a companion animal can bring feelings of guilt, numbness, anger and even relief. This wasn’t ‘just a pet’, this was a best friend, a last living link to a deceased loved one, a reason for living for some, a non-judgemental presence. This companion was potentially the only living companion that person had, the pet that gave so much and asked for so little. Grief when someone loses a pet is downplayed by those who don’t understand it. Owners may feel that they are grieving wrongly, when in fact they aren’t. The pain is valid and the loss is valid.’
Why is it so important to recognize this?
It is incredibly important as a society, or on a more personal level with friends, family or colleagues who have experienced a pet loss, to understand the impact it may have on them.
When a pet dies, owners can experience similar levels of grief as when a human dies. Previous research indicates the role of continuing bonds (CB) when a pet is alive. CB can sometimes aggravate and intensify grief experiences, particularly when pet grief is perceived as disenfranchised grief. However, identifying appropriate bonds can be useful to moderate the intensity of grief and be a valuable mechanism of support. CB can also help post-traumatic growth of owners.
Social support has been identified as an important mechanism in which to share continuing bonds and maintain the owner’s quality of life following the death of their pet and validate emotions. The greater the perceived levels of social support, the lower the reports of attachment anxiety and attachment avoidance, and vice versa.
Emotions and experiences
When asked on Veterinary Voices Public Platform, people who had experienced pet loss described loneliness as a big part of their experience. Some experienced grief years later, with no tangible end to their feelings of loss.
Some also found that their loss was not as validated because of the species they lost, with one respondent feeling that the loss of a guinea pig was not as respected or validated as a dog or a cat, despite the fact that a strong human-animal bond can be formed between any species.
Furthermore, there were respondents that had experienced ‘externalized continuing bonds’ in the form of feeling the physical presence of their pet around them despite their passing.
Some individuals also noted that as well as the emotions associated with bereavement, they also feel guilt associated with the reaction of their other pets to the loss of a companion, and how sad it was to see their other pets struggling with the loss of their bonded companion.
If you need support, please contact the Blue Cross:
For 30 years, we’ve been here to help you cope with the loss of a pet, either through death, enforced separation or theft. With a free and confidential helpline, webchat, email and Facebook group, you can find support when and where you need it.